Chuck and Marriage

"Tonight is our anniversary." Chuck announced to me over the urinal wall.

"Oh...really? Are...you...going...to go...eat somewhere?" I said haltingly while fumbling to unzip myself before my T-Positive bladder exploded.

"Well, we planned on going to Abacus, but the baby's sick and it's too late to get a babysitter."

"You know," words coming unbidden to my lips, "you could bring the baby over to my house. I'd watch her."

Chuck looked at me in stark, utter, amazement, the kind of amazement your dog might display if you filled its food bowl, then got down on your hands and knees and began to eat the dogfood yourself.

"No, really!" I continued cheerfully. "I mean, sure I know nothing about changing diapers, but I could watch her. What could go wrong? You and D. go on to Abacus and just bring the baby over."

Chuck still stared at me. "She's sick."

"OK, I know I might have to change a diaper, but they come with instructions, don't they? I mean, really, if any idiot can have a baby, how hard can it be?"

Finally, he said, "I'll have to ask D. She's the social director."

"Suit yourself." Zip.

...

Super Daddyman caught wind Blubrik's Plan to Babysit Chuck's Sick Baby by the time I was 20 feet out of the restroom. By caught wind, I mean that when I left the restroom, he was standing there and I told him the whole thing.

"Woo hee woo!" he snorted, "You changing a diaper? Pull the other one!"

"Oh come on, how hard can it be? If any idiot can have..."

About this time, Hoss the Boss came over, Super Daddyman waving him down in frantically.

"Blu's going to babysit Chuck's baby tonight so Chuck and D. can go to Abacus. He's going to change a diaper." He said "going to change a diaper" like you might say "he's going to have the most horrible experience of his adult life."

Hoss smiled. "Well," he rumbled in his basso profundo, "you're lucky it's a girl, then. Girls are easier. You just have to remember, front to back."

Super Daddyman nodded furiously in agreement and intoned reverantly, "Yeah, front to back."

"Front to back, got it." I chimed it.

"Of course, boys are a different problem altogether." said Hoss. "With them, you gotta watch out."

"For?"

"Projectile Pissing." answered Super Daddyman. I nodded, soaking it all in.

"Yes." continued Hoss. "Once, early one morning while it was still dark, I was changing Sam. I'd removed his diaper and I was reaching for a potty wipe. The potty wipe was all wet, all warm. I wondered about that. Then, I realized, my hand was all wet and warm, too." He paused for effect. "Sam was peeing over and out of the crib, arcing a stream of pee right onto my hand and the potty wipes!" Hoss and Super Daddyman began hooting in laughter.

"Well," I interrupted, "Chuck's not going to do it anyway. I just offered."

...

The next morning, I called Chuck to arrange our regular lunch meeting.

"Happy Anniversary!" I chirped.

"That was yesterday, but thank you anyway." he said dryly.

"Did you go to Abacus after all?" I asked.

"No," he said, "but we did go out."

"How was the pizza?" I inquired, knowing exactly where they'd gone. But I was wrong, but not by much.

"Burgers. Fine. Thank you for asking. Oh, the joys of marriage."

Marriage, Chuck later says, is something quite horrible, but filled with so many things you wouldn't get otherwise, it balances out to be something just the good side of worthwhile.

I laughed sympathetically and thought, "You poor, poor bastard."

---

T-Positive, the effect on your body from drinking several glasses of iced tea at lunch.